AdvIce King – How to Be Cool in School

  • May 24, 2013 2:01:03 PMAdvIce King

Dear Dynamite,
You’ve come to the right person. I’m the KING of cool! Now it’s been a long time since I was in school, but from what I remember being popular is pretty easy. Just do what I do.

Grow a Beard


Nothing says ‘I’m a rugged, cool guy’ like a beard. I’d suggest growing one as soon as you can, by third or fourth grade if possible. When your beard grows long enough, you can use it to fly around and hold all kinds of stuff–like penguins! Also, the ladies dig beards.

Hang with Cool Guys


How do I let people know I’m the coolest? I surround myself with the cool kids! Snowmen, ice guys, frozen adventurers, kidnapped princesses, penguins. Mostly penguins. They’re loyal, cold resistant, and rarely have a nasty stank booty. What more could you want in a BFF?

Join a Band


Being in a band teaches you precious life lessons like, rock stars are awesome, and torn jeans look cool. If you’re going to join a band, remember to pick an instrument that matches your personality. Guitar is for hotdogs like Jake. Bass is more emo and intense like Marceline. And the drums are for heartthrobs like yours truly. My skins and tubs make me the #1 Babe!

Wear Some Bling


Ohh, shiny! The sparklier, the better. My bling gives me crazy ice powers. Can’t get much cooler than that.

Don’t Be a Hater


People hate haters. Sometimes when you insult someone, they pull your beard, and then beat you up, and then wreck your Ice Mountain. Nobody wants that. Being a hater: It’s not worth it.

Listen, I wish I could just zap you with some sort of ice-like magic and make you cool, but the truth is I’m not going to. I could, but I stopped caring about your question a while ago. Anyway, see ya later!

Looking for advice? Ask the AdvIce King!

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